Santorum Pledges “New Inquisition”

by Bill Britton                                          

pecial to INS — Once he is elected, Teapublican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has promised to organize a “New Inquisition” to root out heretics in America. At a news conference yesterday, Santorum said, “I ran the concept before the five Supreme Court Justices who are friendly to the cause, and they were unanimous in their approval.” After the announcement, Justices Antonin Scalia and John Roberts were seen skipping through the Supreme Court building, giving high-fives to staff members.

Tribunals will be set up in each of the 89 federal district courts to deal with the rush of heresy cases expected in 2013. Members of the tribunals will be drawn from both Roman Catholic and Southern Baptist Convention churches. Fox News has already signed a contract granting it exclusive coverage.

“I’ve been working on a list of institutions that are suspected of heresy,” said Santorum to a huge crowd today at Penn State’s Beaver Stadium. “Of particular interest are those universities in the north, especially, that have been forcing students to study secular subjects like languages, history, math, and science. Why study a foreign language? English not good enough for them? The only history students need is the Old Testament. As for science, throw out evolution and bring on Intelligent Design and Creationism! Let’s give them a choice!”

Grounds for heresy are listed in an online brochure available at www.santorum/grand.inquisitor.net. These include watching MSNBC, intercourse for pleasure, reading The New York Times, eating dessert on Sunday, and associating with known liberals. The tribunals will determine appropriate punishments, which will range from water-boarding to listening to Christian rock music in an empty ship’s container.

In a related item, Guangzhou Funland Amusement Co., Ltd. in Guangdong, China, announced that it has received an order for 100,000 medieval dunce caps from an unidentified U.S. entity.

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